Potty Humour

I promised a post on Japanese toilets, so...

I guess I should warn readers that this is going to be graphic and there will be photos of toilets (clean, not with anything in them) so if you are not interested in that sort of thing stop here.

"toire wa doko desu ka?"

Hmm...I'm not entirely sure how to begin this one.  Well, let's start with the Simpson's.  Many of you may remember the episode when the Simpson's go to Japan.  They have a little bit about the toilet. I've included a clip to refresh your memory but, youtube only had it in German:




It is actually a little crazy how accurate the Simpson's portrayal of Japan is; it's exaggerated of course, but still.


So, now that you have that in mind let me talk a little about the real thing.  These uber-fancy western toilets do exist, in varying degrees. 

Most are like this one.  It has: a heated seat with variable temperature control, a bidet button, a front bidet button (both of which have pressure control), flushing sound (misnomer as it usually sounds more like running water than flushing), and a "powerful deodorizer."  All of these are meant to make your stay more comfortable.  Flushing occurs either with a handle attached to the toilet (not common) or there is a panel in the wall that you wave your hand in front of, and the toilet flushes.  You will often find these toilets in airports, restaurants (depends on the type of restaurant) and in some shopping malls.  They do not spout coloured water, nor have I seen one yet that talks to you.  Although, most bathroom stalls that sport said toilets do have an "emergency" button; which looks like an intercom that you can press if you need assistance.  I am not sure what kind of assistance you would be requiring, or who would come to help, but it is nice to know the option is out there. 

Now, there are some uber-fancy western toilets which are more complicated than this, and I have run across one.  I didn't take any pictures.  It was at the fancy restaurant I went to in Kyoto that I mentioned before, and the toilet "door" was pretty visible.  I didn't want walk out, grab a camera, and walk back in; wrong impressions would doubtlessly abound!  The control panel for the toilet was mounted on the wall, and had no English translations.  Unlike with the toilet above, this toilet itself had no flushing mechanism, nor was there a panel in the wall.  I was unsure of what to do, so I did what comes naturally and began pressing buttons at random.  All sorts of things started happening, the toilet seat raised and lowered, as did the lid.  A humming noise began at one point, toilet massage???  I assume I changed the temperature of the seat and likely the water pressure, woe betide the next customer, but no flushing.  I was beginning to get a little worried now, I didn't want to have to ask the nice lady how to flush the toilet, as that would do nothing to help out our Western reputation in Japan.  So I calmed down and looked at the confounding panel.  There were two kanji on it that I recognized, one was for river (川 ), the other for water (水).  Ha, one of these is bound to give me results!  Logic dictates that I try river first, as it is moving water.  But river, just adds more water to the bowl.  So, with bated breath,I press water, and lo the water flushes!!  There are some things you just need to learn before you come to Japan.  And essential kanji is one of them, trust me I've learned this the hard way.

Here is a good time to mention that the Japanese do not use the bathroom wearing only socks.  In restaurants and bars where you have to take off your shoes (mostly fancy places) you will be given slippers to wear, or the slippers will be in the bathroom already.  USE THE SLIPPERS.  If you are in a public place like a mall, train station, or club anywhere you don't take off your shoes then you are fine.

That's it for our section on Western toilets.  Save one last comment, there are times where you will get just a plain old regular Western toilet, with no gadgets or complicated computer panels.  But these are self-explanatory and I've already posted a picture of mine in my first post.

Now we get to the nitty-gritty.  The traditional Japanese toilet, often called "the Squatter."

As you can see, and as the name implies, the correct way to use such facilities is to squat above the bowl.  Now, some of you may have been to other Asian countries where squatters are more common, and thus believe you know how to use such toilets.  You may be right, or like me, you may be gravely mistaken.  You see, I've been to Southeast Asia and have used "squatters" before, but Japanese toilets are different.  In Southeast Asia most squatters are little more than a hole in the ground, maybe with some tiling around it.  So you can squat and go, no toilet paper, just a hose or bucket for rinsing.  And family I know you are used to "roughing it" in the woods when there is no outhouse, or you don't want to use it if it is there, so you think you can handle a squatter.  Again, maybe yes, maybe not so much.  You see, those of us who are born and raised in the West, don't really understand squatting.  Sure, you work out at the gym and do them.  Sure, you Canadians aren't afraid to pull off to the side of the road when nature calls and the next gas station is 600 km away.  And maybe, just maybe, you watched too many kung-fu movies and decided you are going to learn the horse stance even if it kills you.

But, what you don't realize is none of this is squatting, not really.  Okay, in the woods pulling your pants down just pass your butt, sticking said butt out, and keeping your spread legs at a 90' angle will serve you just fine.  That technique will also work in some Asian squatters.  You know where you hold the toilet paper in one hand and your underwear/pants in the other, to keep it out of harms way, and stick your bum out as far as you can manage.  Well friends, that doesn't cut it in Japan.  You see, the fundamental difference one faces in Japan is...PORCELAIN!  Yes, it is amazing the absorptive power of twigs, leaves, and even dirt.  The backlash is often minute, unless you have been holding it for a while.  However, your worst held in, empending release will still not have the backlash of even a minor release in a porcelain bowl when delievered from the same height.

And here we come to the crux, the height of delivery.  The only way to properly use a traditional Japanese toilet is as follows:
a) stand facing the piping, or the little raised part of the bowl with your legs on either side of the bowl, but not actually touching it.
b) pull your pants down to either just above or just below your knees, too far or too close and it gets in your way.
c) squat down, and I mean down.  We are talking bum between feet here people.  If you try anything less you will face the repercussions, which usually involve wet shoes, if your wearing them or wet slippers/feet. I cannot stress this enough!  Bum just above the bowl, right down low.  In Japan, you have to get up close and personal with your waste, which is very uncomfortable and uncommon for us in the West.  If you need help balancing, and if you aren't used to this type of squatting you will need help, I suggest holding onto the piping in front of you.  You may be tempted to hold on to the toilet paper holder, but those aren't very strong and you don't want to suddenly lose your balance.

If you follow these instructions, you will be okay.  For the most part.  Because, one of the things with squatters is that not everyone can use them, but they are sometimes the only option.  Train stations are notorious for having only Japanese toilets.  And some people, for various reasons cannot get into the proper position.  Therefore, you will often walk into a stall and find that the area surrounding the toilet is very wet, and late at night there will sometimes be more than just wetness.  Oh, and the smell...very reminiscent of the outhouse, even indoors, with plumbing and flushing capabilities.  I think women's toilets smell worse than men's toilets here. 

Some of the Japanese toilets have these weird attachments on them, to make them more like Western toilets.   They are plastic and the whole thing can be lifted off to reveal the Japanese toilet underneath.  These attachments only work if there is a step, which sometimes there isn't.  Usually the step is there only if it is a small bathroom, no stalls.  I've only seen this once, and it was in a classroom I was covering at in Wakayama.  It was strange because the step isn't very high, so it is like sitting on a very low toilet that is sort of on the ground.  Very disconcerting.


Here's an interesting little fact for you.  It appears that "shared" bathrooms are common.  You will find them in smaller train stations and office buildings; there will be both a urinal and a squatter stall in the small bathroom.  But here is the weird thing; the door, if indeed there is one, won't have a lock.  You can go into the stall and lock that, but a man can walk in a use the urinal while you are in the stall.  I don't understand, nor do I like this situation and avoid them at all costs.

One last thing before I go, very few of the public bathrooms have soap, and even less have a means to dry your hands.  Furthermore, the water to wash your hands will be cold.  So you need to carry with you: a little face towel to dry your hands, and hand sanitizer.  I've heard that some washrooms will not have toilet paper, but thankfully haven't actually encountered that yet.